MY BODY IMAGE AND WEIGHT STRUGGLES AS A MOM

I guess to start off i was a little over weight before i was pregnant. However this is about my experience    and struggle after my beautiful girl was born. 
So having a baby is overwhelming(good and bad) in in of its self and i had violet 9 days before christmas so add some holiday joy and stress. 
 Things were going great for about a month or two i felt like i looked pretty good after being slightly over weight before pregnancy and just had a baby, and then my husband is back into full law school mode plus his full time job and a part time job(he works hard) and i was home 24/7 with baby. Now don't get me wrong violet was planned and i knew my job would be a stay at home mom. Sometimes you just don't always know how things are gonna work out and let me tell you staying at home alone a lot effected me. My husband was gone a lot and i was dorm it in the house with family and friends that lived 30-45 minutes away from me so i felt very alone at times. At that point i started to turn to food to fill a void or out of boredom. It turned into a eating disorder in no time. I was binging and overeating and about 90% of my diet was unhealthy. 
As i grew into motherhood taking time to take care of me faded quickly due to just naturally being a mother and to me feeling like i could do this for my child or that for me and duh! Of course im going to pick my child even if its a want for her over a need for me. 
I got to a place where i almost didn't care about the consequences. But at the same point i was miserable my health was suffering and i hated the way i looked. I felt/feel so unattractive i thought how did i let myself get like this and i get overwhelmed with disappointment. There are good days and bad days but the bad days seemed to overshadow the good. I cant tell you how miserable clothing shopping has been for me the last 4 years every time i would walk away depressed and wanting to cry(this is still a struggle). A low point was when i couldn't be in a wedding because i was to fat to fit into the bridesmaids dress. It was a miserable feeling felling like you can be a part of something because your fat and its nobodies fault but your own. 
It is a long road to recover from a eating disorder. Its a struggle to change. I have given it to the lord, thats my starting point i cant to it alone obviously. 
Stressing is a major factor in my life i am quick to stress and anger. It has been a constant struggle to change something you have been for so long my first step was to give it up to god and remind myself daily biblically why i should change and keep up with it. But as a mom i do not want my child to grow up acting or thinking this behavior is ok or normal. Plus stress is horrible for your body. 
I think its a struggle for anyone to change there lifestyle i have been making small changes with my the type of foods i eat its expensive to eat healthy but its worth it. 
This month i will be joining a gym. This is a big new step. Im terrified because i dont really see fat people at the gym im joining and i hate to work out i never have done it besides walking outside. 
If you are struggling with body image, weight issues, a eating disorder talk to someone, or a stressful season in your life. Trust me people dont judge as much as you think and plus if your talking to a close friend i bet you they will be nothing but supportive!

This is a ongoing battle and i hope to win it!!!!!!!!!!!!